Some of us don’t ask for the advice we get as single ladies, but we get them anyway.
Some, however, are good and helpful, but some are just downright depressing and bad advice actually, from which we’re to guard our hearts.
Without further ado, here’s a few bad ones I’ve received personally or heard others receive;
- “You can manage him now”: Someone told me this, trying to encourage me to stay in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t exactly kind to me in words and actions, because this person felt I was running out of time and just needed to get married. This is bad advice because eventually I was the one going to be in the marriage, not them, for how long would I have “managed”? You can’t marry someone hoping they change, it may never happen and you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that’s not good for you, just to make someone else happy. Yea, no one is perfect, even Mr Right isn’t, that’s why he’s Mr Right, not Mr Perfect, but “just because you accept someone for who they are doesn’t mean you don’t expect them to grow and be better, it just means, you are OK to start from where they are” (Tobi Atte), that’s not managing, if you’re OK with them. So, ask me if I’m OK, if I’m happy, don’t tell me to manage.
- “So and so will make a great husband, he’s a great (insert church work)”: OK, just because someone works in church, doesn’t automatically mean they’ll make a great spouse or marriage to them will work. Making a marriage work, requires more than just being a worker in church, read more on that here.
- “Make sure you get married before you’re 30”: This is just wrong because, first of all, just because you got married before 30, doesn’t mean everyone else will or has to, for that matter. It’s not like we can just up and order a husband online as a gift to ourselves on our 29th birthday. Let’s not even talk about the desperation this kind of advice can drive one into because they are trying to beat a supposed timeline or the rash decision they can end up taking and the harsh effects they may have to deal with in the long run, just because, God forbid, they listened to someone who said they should be married before a particular age. Someone actually told me this once, I hadn’t heard from her in a long while and one day she chatted me up and left me with those words, funny thing is, she never followed up, imagine if I had gone ahead to do something crazy, based on her advice?
- “You shouldn’t do so and so till you are married”: Especially if this concerns your dreams or things you’re passionate about. Being single doesn’t limit you, it doesn’t mean you don’t matter or can’t fulfill purpose and it’s certainly doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold. Chasing your dreams, will not keep the right man from coming for you. Do your thing gal, don’t let nobody tell you nothin’.
- “Man na man, no be just to marry?”: For my non-Nigerian readers, this basically means “pick any man already, is it not just to get married?” Well, sis, you can’t marry just anyone, just because you want to be married, not as important as marriage is and as potent as it to practically mar one’s live if it goes wrong. I like how Laju Iren puts it, “better nobody than the wrong somebody”.
As important as marriage and the decision on who to marry is, I really wish that people will learn that being flippant with words is not okay and before giving an advice, stop to consider, what if this person actually takes my advice, then give it only if you can honestly answer that they will be better for it.
Sis, the need to recognize and guard our hearts from unwise counsel, cannot be overemphasized.
Have you received or heard any of these or you’ve got some other ones, sound off in the comments.